I could tell from the stubborn set of Joe’s jaw that he had made up his mind and I knew it would be useless to argue. Once he dug his heels in over something, there was no swaying him. And yet how could I not at least try? 

“Joe – I understand what you are saying but I don’t see why that should make any difference now, after all this time. I know there are coppers all over the place but we have been able to get round them before, it’s not that hard, really – why, just yesterday Constable Kennedy came to the Commercial and he said…” 

“He was there again?” Joe’s fingers tightened around my wrist and his eyes were burning into me. “You had better watch out Kate, tongues are already wagging. I have heard how friendly you are with him these days – did he stay around till closing time? See you safely to your bed and all?” There was no mistaking the look on his face. 

My frustration boiling over, I wrenched my hand from his grip and took a step back, glaring at him. 

“So that is what this is really about – you don’t trust me, you think I will sell you to the coppers, like Aaron...” Joe flinched but I didn’t care what I said, desperately holding onto my anger so he wouldn’t see how much he had hurt me. “Well, obviously Constable Kennedy must be courting me if that’s what people are telling you. Do you think I would ruin my chances of becoming a copper’s wife by telling him I have had intimate relations with an outlaw? So you see how you really have nothing to worry about!” 

Angry tears stinging my eyes, I turned on my heel and stormed off, not waiting for his reaction. I desperately wanted him to run after me, to take me in his arms and say he was sorry, to kiss me and make it all right again. But he didn’t, there was no sound from behind me and my pride would not let me look back so I just kept on walking, willing the tears back. I will not cry over you, Joe Byrne. You broke my heart but I will not cry. 

How different I had pictured the evening! Ever since I got Joe’s message, I had imagined myself back in his arms, all I wanted was to hold him and never let him go. I hadn’t seen him for so long; him and Ned and the boys had been camped in the ranges for several weeks. The coppers in Beechworth seemed to have been stung into action by a rash of less than complimentary articles in the newspapers and were making their presence felt all over town, so Joe sent me a message through Tom Lloyd to ask me to come and meet him in the Woolshed. 

When I got to our meeting place Joe was already there. I stopped for a moment under the cover of the trees and just watched him. He seemed on edge, pacing up and down, raking his hand through his hair, muttering to himself. I made a deliberate noise as I approached him and he turned, the gun in his hand pointing straight at me, and the look in his eyes made me go cold all over.  

“Jesus lass…” He lowered the gun and I ran into his arms and just held on tight and pressed my face against his shoulder, breathing him in. His hands slid into my hair, tilting my face up and I was drowning in his eyes till he closed them and brought his lips to mine. And that’s when I knew that something was really wrong. It was like kissing a stranger, there was a raw passion there but no tenderness and I pulled away, confused and even a little scared. 

“Joe… what’s wrong?” 

He wouldn’t look me in the eye. “Forgive me, I should not have asked you to come here. I thought…” He started pacing up and down again. “Well, I did want to tell you in person… I think it will be better if we don’t... With all the coppers around, I don’t want to put you in harm’s way… So…” 

Whatever I had been expecting, this wasn’t it. I searched Joe’s face for any clue to his feelings, for the reason why he was acting like this but his face was unreadable. He doesn’t love me. The thought settled like a stone on my heart. 

“You don’t want to see me anymore?” 

Finally he looked at me and I wished he hadn’t. His eyes were cold like a winter sky. 

“I think it would be best.” 

“Best for whom?” I couldn’t keep the bitterness out of my voice. 

“You know what The Felons’ Apprehension Act says: any person voluntarily and knowingly harbouring or helping an outlaw is guilty of a felony. I would rather not see you inside Beechworth Gaol, lass.” 

And that’s how it came about that instead of being in Joe’s arms I found myself walking blindly through the bush, neither seeing nor caring where I was going. He doesn’t want me. Suddenly the thought cut through the haze in my mind and I stopped. No. He never said that. He let me believe it and he let me walk away. Realisation dawned and I turned and started running back in the direction I had come from. Oh please God, let him still be there. 

My lungs were bursting but I couldn’t stop, desperation drove me on until the trees thinned in front of me and I could see Joe’s horse grazing on the edge of the clearing. Relief flooded me. He was still there. 

“Joe!” 

A noise made me turn and there he was, on his knees, his head in his hands. In two steps I was kneeling right by his side, pulling him into my arms and holding him tight. 

“I’m sorry I left, please forgive me… I don’t care what you say, what anyone says, I’m not leaving you. I love you, you hear me? I love you Joe Byrne, and I’m not going to stay away, you’ll have to shoot me first.” 

He lifted his head from my shoulder and I threaded my fingers in his hair and kissed him with the desperation of all the lonely weeks we had been apart. His lips opened under mine and he pulled me so tight against him that I could hardly breathe and finally he was kissing me back. I pulled him down onto the grass with me, my fingers fumbling with his buttons while he was pulling my dress up, both of us intent on getting as close to each other as we could, the only way we knew of making things right between us again. He didn’t wait but entered me swiftly and I welcomed the pain as my body stretched around him. We didn’t speak but our eyes never left each other’s, his tears mingling with mine as over and over again he pushed into me, deeper and harder. Pain turned into pleasure and I gave myself up to him a moment before he gave himself up to me. Locked in a tight embrace, our bodies completely joined, he kissed me. I could see what was in my heart reflected in his eyes. 

“I’m glad you came back. Forgive me. I…” 

“I know. We won’t speak of it.” 

He kissed me again, slow and tender. “All right. Lets make up for lost time then.” His fingers were already undoing the buttons on my dress as his mouth moved down my neck. I flinched and he lifted his head, a worried frown creasing his brow. “What’s wrong?” 

I groaned. “Sounds lovely and all but do you think we could move off this anthill first?”