Photo by Gem In Desperation
I could tell from the
stubborn set of Joe’s jaw that he had made up his mind and I knew
it would be useless to argue. Once he dug his heels in over something,
there was no swaying him. And yet how could I not at least try? “Joe – I
understand what you are saying but I don’t see why that should
make any difference now, after all this time. I know there are
coppers all over the place but we have been able to get round them
before, it’s not that hard, really – why, just yesterday
Constable Kennedy came to the Commercial and he said…” “He was there again?”
Joe’s fingers tightened around my wrist and his eyes were burning
into me. “You had better watch out Kate, tongues are already
wagging. I have heard how friendly you are with him these days –
did he stay around till closing time? See you safely to your bed and
all?” There was no mistaking the look on his face. My frustration boiling
over, I wrenched my hand from his grip and took a step back, glaring at
him. “So that is what
this is really about – you don’t trust me, you think I will
sell you to the coppers, like Aaron...” Joe flinched but I
didn’t care what I said, desperately holding onto my anger so he
wouldn’t see how much he had hurt me. “Well, obviously
Constable Kennedy must be courting me if that’s what people are
telling you. Do you think I would ruin my chances of becoming a
copper’s wife by telling him I have had intimate relations with
an outlaw? So you see how you really have nothing to worry about!” Angry tears stinging my
eyes, I turned on my heel and stormed off, not waiting for his
reaction. I desperately wanted him to run after me, to take me in his
arms and say he was sorry, to kiss me and make it all right again. But
he didn’t, there was no sound from behind me and my pride would
not let me look back so I just kept on walking, willing the tears back.
I will not cry over you, Joe Byrne. You
broke my heart but I will not cry. How different I had
pictured the evening! Ever since I got Joe’s message, I had
imagined myself back in his arms, all I wanted was to hold him and
never let him go. I hadn’t seen him for so long; him and Ned and
the boys had been camped in the ranges for several weeks. The coppers
in Beechworth seemed to have been stung into action by a rash of less
than complimentary articles in the newspapers and were making their
presence felt all over town, so Joe sent me a message through Tom Lloyd
to ask me to come and meet him in the Woolshed. When I got to our
meeting place Joe was already there. I stopped for a moment under the
cover of the trees and just watched him. He seemed on edge, pacing up
and down, raking his hand through his hair, muttering to himself. I
made a deliberate noise as I approached him and he turned, the gun in
his hand pointing straight at me, and the look in his eyes made me go
cold all over. “Jesus
lass…” He lowered the gun and I ran into his arms and just
held on tight and pressed my face against his shoulder, breathing him
in. His hands slid into my hair, tilting my face up and I was drowning
in his eyes till he closed them and brought his lips to mine. And
that’s when I knew that something was really wrong. It was like
kissing a stranger, there was a raw passion there but no tenderness and
I pulled away, confused and even a little scared. “Joe…
what’s wrong?” He wouldn’t look
me in the eye. “Forgive me, I should not have asked you to come
here. I thought…” He started pacing up and down again.
“Well, I did want to tell you in person… I think it will
be better if we don’t... With all the coppers around, I
don’t want to put you in harm’s way…
So…” Whatever I had been
expecting, this wasn’t it. I searched Joe’s face for any
clue to his feelings, for the reason why he was acting like this but
his face was unreadable. He doesn’t love me. The thought
settled like a stone on my heart. “You don’t
want to see me anymore?” Finally he looked at me
and I wished he hadn’t. His eyes were cold like a winter sky. “I think it would
be best.” “Best for
whom?” I couldn’t keep the bitterness out of my voice. “You know what The
Felons’ Apprehension Act says: any person voluntarily and
knowingly harbouring or helping an outlaw is guilty of a felony. I
would rather not see you inside Beechworth Gaol, lass.” And that’s how it
came about that instead of being in Joe’s arms I found myself
walking blindly through the bush, neither seeing nor caring where I was
going. He doesn’t want me. Suddenly the thought cut
through the haze in my mind and I stopped. No. He never said that. He
let me believe it and he let me walk away. Realisation dawned and I
turned and started running back in the direction I had come from. Oh
please God, let him still be there. My lungs were bursting
but I couldn’t stop, desperation drove me on until the trees
thinned in front of me and I could see Joe’s horse grazing on the
edge of the clearing. Relief flooded me. He was still there. “Joe!” A noise made me turn and
there he was, on his knees, his head in his hands. In two steps I was
kneeling right by his side, pulling him into my arms and holding him
tight. “I’m sorry I
left, please forgive me… I don’t care what you say, what
anyone says, I’m not leaving you. I love you, you hear me? I love
you Joe Byrne, and I’m not going to stay away, you’ll have
to shoot me first.” He lifted his head from
my shoulder and I threaded my fingers in his hair and kissed him with
the desperation of all the lonely weeks we had been apart. His lips
opened under mine and he pulled me so tight against him that I could
hardly breathe and finally he was kissing me back. I pulled him down
onto the grass with me, my fingers fumbling with his buttons while he
was pulling my dress up, both of us intent on getting as close to each
other as we could, the only way we knew of making things right between
us again. He didn’t wait but entered me swiftly and I welcomed
the pain as my body stretched around him. We didn’t speak but our
eyes never left each other’s, his tears mingling with mine as
over and over again he pushed into me, deeper and harder. Pain turned
into pleasure and I gave myself up to him a moment before he gave
himself up to me. Locked in a tight embrace, our bodies completely
joined, he kissed me. I could see what was in my heart reflected in his
eyes. “I’m glad
you came back. Forgive me. I…” “I know. We
won’t speak of it.” He kissed me again, slow
and tender. “All right. Lets make up for lost time then.”
His fingers were already undoing the buttons on my dress as his mouth
moved down my neck. I flinched and he lifted his head, a worried frown
creasing his brow. “What’s wrong?” I groaned. “Sounds
lovely and all but do you think we could move off this anthill
first?” |