Chapter 4

I don’t think I ever kissed a man who made such and indecent proposal with his tongue, skip the 2 hours of moral deliberations, the answer is ‘yes’. Well there is that and his hands which are part of the deal, cupping my chin with one and finding soft skin to squeeze with the other, no quarter. He has big hands, blunt, strong, hold you tight hands and I wonder for one second if it would be possible to kiss him and NOT have sex. I don't intend trying it out, it is my turn to make him gasp, I can’t help it, my palm stroking down over his cock. I really can’t breathe but evidently there is some evil fairy granting un wished wishes in the Bush just for sport, he is still taking little sucks on my bottom lip while he speaks

“Jesus, you taste good! But you want to come and meet the lads?” To be honest this is on a par with “D’yer mind if we watch Match of the Day first? Only Manchester United are playing The Gunners and they are tying at the top of the Premiership, just the 3:4 goal difference between them, oh and since you are up how ‘bout you fetch me a cold beer” but what exactly is my alternative here? His unexpected enthusiasm to be sociable has something of a boy about it, or a puppy with one of those squeaky plastic bone things firmly between its teeth. I could say ‘No actually I don’t want to meet the lads. Can we not just lie down in the dirt because I don’t know about you but I am about ready to come right here and now?” That would seem a) to indicate an utter desperation I am not sure I want to present him with just yet. I am drawing a fine line here, roll with me or b) risk his disappointment, by me ripping said squeaky toy from his teeth.

Despite what you think of me, really I do have a small pathetic figure of an ego waving a rather bedraggled flag of pride somewhere about my person and more to the point, for some reason doing exactly what he wants me too seems like stepping into sunshine, so instead I think I will say
“Sure why not! Do they bite?”

He is looking at me a little confused, I think he has the darkest eyes I ever saw under those long lashes, which to be honest just makes me want to start that kissing thing all over and forget about my private little canine joke at his expense “Are they friendly sorts? Only last time we met one of them had a gun to my head” This is no good, I can’t stop touching him, whatever his bloody name is, and frankly the way his eyes close just a bit as I do is doing little to convince me that I care. His skin under my fingers is warm, the straggles of hair that line his chin lead back up to that mouth, and I run a nail along his lip just to hear the hiss between his teeth. I can almost feel the static in the air between his hips and mine. Jesus, he will have me ripping up the last bit of that flag any minute now. Mr Magneto here however is not an easy man to dissuade it seems, once he has set his mind on a thing, which unfortunately for me seems to be ‘how do you do’s?’ rather than ‘do you mind if I do’s?’

“That’s not very likely now is it? Them biting nor putting a gun to yer head that is. A pretty Lass like yerself turning up in the middle of the Bush all friendly and that” his winks and he grabs my hand “Will yer come on now, they’ve been asking me to introduce you” a wicked smile indicates that these other three men have a little more knowledge about me than perhaps is proprietary, but he can’t see my frown in this darkness. What I can suddenly see though is a quite different scenario here and it isn't one that is quite so sugar sweet. Reality Eva, not your favourite landscape but just hold up a minute

One of those moments in the film isn’t it? When you sit on the edge of the sofa and shout ‘what the FUCK are you doing?? DO NOT under any circumstances go down in the cellar, which we lucky viewers can confirm is full of demons/mad scientists/axe wielding maniac(s)/blood sucking monsters waiting to get you!” before you turn to the person next to you on the sofa, similarly shaking their head with the same “d’oh! Some people…’ kind of exasperation, and say “Jesus, is she stupid or what? Honestly she deserves to be turned into one of the undead”

My stomach clamps shut while I stand at the top of the dark stairs. I don’t know these men from Adam and there are 4 of them.. Fight or flight was that the option? I will go for the middle road and stop quite still, the jolt of which pulls him back. Got to do it, and I wait to see the expression on his face, at first a reassuring smirk of “Are yer wanting another kiss?...” but which almost immediately drops at the corners. Ok so he is a man, I suspect, who is used to picking up the smallest wave in the grass, the whinny of a regulation issue horse or the scent of a woman who might just be in the mood at a hundred yards. But this might just test that male intuition a little “Eva?”

Well done Joe. Figured that out. Nothing much to worry about except a wave of sheer anxiety panic on my part. Funny I didn’t think to bring the rescue remedy, a knife down the boot, nor an ounce of sense it seems.

“Joe…”

“What is it?” He does look genuinely concerned/confused I will give him that.

“What did you tell them? The others I mean? About why some stupid Pom is traipsing around in the Bush looking for your camp, what I came for?” Pause a moment for Part Two of the ‘What not to do in a slasher movie Guide’: DO NOT Under any circumstances alienate the one friendly character you are with, regardless of how little you know them. To do so would leave you at mercy of aforementioned beasts/murderers etc etc, while your erstwhile mate wanders off feeling hurt and let down only to return sometime later to comment on your untimely demise with a sad but justified “I told you so, you should have trusted me after all”

“I don’t get your meaning Lass, I told them what I thought was true…that you came to find me” He is closer to me now bending to look at my face but steadfastly not touching me, letting me be, while the little halfpennies drop into what is a rather unsavoury unlaundered stash between us. A man who knows women is a dangerous and rare thing, and his face is all the more in it’s questioning “Did yer think you were walking into a band of men with no morals?” Christ don’t look at me like that. Shit, now I feel like I insulted his mother.

“No no…of course not...I just thought umm...well that they might think me a bit weird, forward, you know...” Have you ever heard a man laugh so hard that the sleeping birds scatter out of the trees and do a quick reccy of the landscape before settling back down with a ruffle of indignation? Well I just did, that and the voice from somewhere further in the bushes shout ‘Shut the fuck up Joe! You will have the whole frigging troop of them down on us!”

He seems to be taking the slap on the face fairly well though in the circumstances, maybe I got away with it but I doubt it. Fuck it “A bit forward eh? Well see Eva, I know that yer are, and that’s why I wanted yer to come, that why I have been watching you make yer way up through the range and well, getting myself all worked up with the thought about touching you when you did” his fingers down the lace of my bra are a little insistent, a hint of something as yet unnamed but that I fear is my own doing. He is smiling all the same, but I can feel the distance “But those lads are under the impression that yer might help us with something. To tell the truth I suppose they won’t mind looking, but then I don’t suppose that you will mind that neither”

A moment, ok then Joe. Bugger it. You know, here I am, a woman from the twenty first century rubbing hips, well at least I hope to be soon, with some bloke who claims to be a 19th century outlaw, and yet I feel like it is me grunting in primitive linguistic forms, trying to work out how scratch 2 sticks together to make fire, while attractively decked in the latest deerskin fashions.

“I am sorry, I didn’t mean to insult you or your friends…but you might at least concede that in different circumstances I might just be in trouble”

He is nodding somewhat sagely. “Aye I will give yer that but see Eva, there’s something that you forget- you are mine”

I can’t help swallowing before I squeak “I am?”

“Aye, that’s if you are wanting to be of course, we were brought up to know the difference” I am sure in my feminist background there was something that I should object to in that soup of sexual relations but right now I can’t quite get my brain to focus on anything but his eyes looking straight back at me “Lets go say hello eh? Mind yerself though, just step where I do, don’t want yer treading on anything with fangs now do we?”

A snake or two might be preferable to feeling like a complete shit, oh and that I am about to meet the in-laws, ha-ha out-laws...oh never mind. But I feel vaguely unprepared, like I should have brought a bunch of flowers for the prospective relations and put something decent on. An A line skirt, nice little cardy, something other than arriving crumpled and sweaty, with splodges of mascara under my slightly wild eyes. Haahahah see there I go again, jumping ahead to what is very far from the next stepping stone. Poor bloke. Little does he know the complexities of the virtual snake pit he is already stepping through. Huh, well maybe and maybe I underestimate him.

We are in thicker growth now but in amongst the bushes ahead I can just about make out the shapes of the three men huddled over what must be the smallest, well fire would be an exaggeration frankly, ‘a wisp of smoke’ perhaps would be more accurate, nevertheless the white of their faces are inclined towards me in the gloom. “Ah the lass from the Bank” which does little to discourage my conviction that there are dozens of us wandering the hillsides, and that I just happened to get here first. “I remember you” the chap with the hair just wipes his hand on his trousers and holds it out towards me without standing “Pleased te meet yer, my names Ned. Joe tells me you offered to help with next robbery”

I do vaguely remember offering. But that, I am most positive, was in the throes of unsurpassed ecstasy when he could have asked me to do a back flip, and even I might have attempted it. Hmm